Saying Goodbye to a Loved One

Being a caregiver to elderly relatives is one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. I've taken care of my father in law, aunt and uncle in their declining years to help their disease ridden bodies cope day after day, until God finally called them home.

My Father in Law

As a young woman, I took on the responsibility of taking care of my father in law, who had been diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the liver. Unfortunately, the disease was not from alcohol, but from a blood transfusion he had recently received. The transfusion led to hepatitis, then to Cirrhosis. The doctor told us if it was the alcoholic form, he could be helped, but since it was in his blood, we could only make him comfortable.

My father in law was a healthy man that worked hard all of his life. He didn't have any education due to like many others, quit school to help out on the family farm. However, he had more common sense than most college graduates. He was a proud man and we were proud of him. Unfortunately, when the disease took over his body, he had no control of what was happening to him...and neither did we. All we could do was sit back and watch death take over this strong, proud, muscular man. It was painful to watch, very exhausting emotionally and physically, and consumed my young life. He went into a coma in our home twice and I had to call paramedics to transport him to the hospital.

I remember one time when the paramedics asked me what I wanted them to do. I told them he needed to be transported to the hospital as I could not give fluids to nor monitor his health if he was unconscious! Obviously, I could not transport him myself, since I could not even get him to a car in his current condition.

My husband was an only child and was close to his father, so watching his dad deteriorate was even more disturbing to him. The night before my father in law died, my husband was visiting him in the hospital. My husband had been working 12 hours shifts, seven days a week, while I took care of his father. He was exhausted and fell asleep in the hospital. My father in law told him to go home, get some rest and he could come back later. That was the last time he saw him alive. We received a call at 1:00 a.m. stating my father in law passed away and requested we come to the hospital. We were shocked as he was doing so well the previous day and didn't understand what happened, but obviously he knew it was almost his time.

When we arrived at the hospital, we weren't sure what to expect or how he would look. They had left my father in law's body in his bed, for us to say goodbye and we were pleasantly surprised. I know that sounds somewhat morbid, but to see him put our pain at rest. He looked more at peace than we had seen him in over a year. The pain was gone from his face and I think he actually had a tiny smile. While I cried with his passing, my husband never shed a tear at that time. He said the peaceful look on his father's face now was comforting to him. He was now with his wife of over 30 years and most importantly resting in God's arms. We didn't say "goodbye", we said "see you later!"

My Uncle

If I ever doubted the after-life, I don't anymore! My uncle was a very special man to me. He was a big part of my life growing up and throughout my adulthood. It only made sense to me that when he needed someone to care for him, that it would be me. He was a second dad to me. He moved in with us when his health took a sharp turn for the worse. While his mind was still very much intact, his body was battling several diseases that eventually took it's toll on his well being. Being diabetic and having Congestive Heart Failure, among other illnesses made it a challenge taking care of him. Monitoring his diet and fluid intake was a crucial part of his day to day care. Weighing him every day to monitor any fluid retention in his body would sometimes land us in to the emergency room. Any weight gain of over 3-5 pounds in a day, suggested that his body was retaining fluid, that would cause his heart to overwork.

As he became tired of hospital stays and medications, he decided he had enough. He didn't want to return to the hospital and hospice was called in. (If you have never dealt with hospice, I would like to add they are WONDERFUL, caring and professional people!) He was officially on hospice for one week before he passed. We allowed him to pass at home, in his own bed, surrounded by his loved ones.

On the morning that my uncle passed, I was at ease knowing he was going to a better place. He was unconscious for the most part, with the exception of his last words that made me feel at ease and happy for him. I had gone to his bedside to check on him and to see if he was awake or wanted to talk. As I woke him to ask him if he was in pain, he opened his eyes to focus on me for a split second until his attention was then focused at the foot of his bed. I watched him slightly raise his head and attempt to focus his eyes. Not knowing what he was looking at tears came to my eyes when I heard him say, "Dad, what are you doing here?" I knew then, it would be a matter of time and that his dad was here to take him "home". My uncle was in his eighties when he passed and his dad had died decades ago. I had always believed in the afterlife, but now I was certain about my beliefs.

My uncle passed that evening peacefully, with the hospice nurse being present with us. The nurse arrived at our home less than 30 minutes prior to my uncle's passing and apologized profusely for arriving so late. She explained that her assistance was needed in several places that day, and she already had three other patients pass that day, and had to leave as soon as possible, as she had another "urgent call" that she was headed to. I told her that apparently there was a "party" in heaven that night and it sounded like several people were invited! That's how I looked at my uncle's passing. While losing him was devastating for me, I knew he was tired, in severe pain and ready to go to a party! Until we meet again...

My Aunt

My aunt has not passed, but her former self is long gone. She was diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease a few years ago and is no longer the person that I grew up loving as a caring aunt. Alzheimers destroyed what was once a loving, caring and happy person and turned her into a hateful, angry, uncaring person. Watching her transform to this new person, was heartbreaking for me.

At first, I didn't understand what was happening to her. I couldn't imagine this wonderful person being so hateful toward me, or angry. I could not accept the changes in her, nor could I understand them. The fun that we used to have was now gone. She became withdrawn and hateful. She never smiled anymore and I could see the evil in her eyes. The same eyes that used to be filled with love were now literally filled with evil. How could this happen to such a kind, loving, caring person?!

As I researched Alzheimers Disease, I learned alot that I didn't know. I wasn't aware that some patients begin to hate their caregivers for no reason. I wasn't aware that some patients become violent, nor was I aware that some patients are easy-going, confused people. Unfortunately, my aunt became the "angry" patient and had threatened to kill me on numerous occasions. At that time, I realized that the aunt I knew and loved all of my life, was now gone. Saying goodbye to the loving and caring person was especially hard, because the physical portion was still present while the mental portion was gone. All I have left of her, is the pictures and memories of the good ole days...